10 Steps How to Break Up with Your Lover Gently
Some say initiating the break-up is harder than being left by a partner. It means that you’re responsible for both of you and you’ll never come back. A separating has always been difficult for all people of all the times. The only you have to do is to leave your soon-to-be-ex less harmful. There are some steps to iron the wrinkle.
1.Choose the right place
If you have some kind of conscience, never break up via texting whether it is via phone, Skype, etc. A breakup text doesn’t give the other person a chance to ask questions, hear your tone of voice, or see how difficult it is for you too. Do it in person to have an exact conversation explaining the matter of your decision.
2. Avoid the jeopardy
You never know how the person you love will behave hearing “It’s over between us”. Don’t do it on the rooftops or somewhere else where is risky to stand.
3. Prepare the right words
Say the real matter trying not to offend. You can say something this way:
- “I gave up a long time ago when we were drifting apart and I just didn’t fight for us.”
- “I stopped appreciating you and took you for granted.”
- “When you prioritize other things above our relationship, I feel frustrated and unappreciated. I decided I can’t tolerate that anymore.”
- “I need something different than what I am getting with you and I want to move on.”
- “All I want now is to stay alone; I don’t want to be in relationship anymore because new priorities came to me. I’m not ready to date anyone, not just you, there must be freedom for me’.
Remember: what you say him or her actually reflects a great deal about you. Be tender but persuasive, don’t give a chance to any doubts. You should be confident to go further.
4. The most useful phrases
Say what’s not working (your reason for the break-up).
For example: “But I’m not ready to have a serious boyfriend right now.”
Or: “But you cheated on me, and I can’t accept that.”
Or: “But we’re arguing more than we’re having fun.”
Or: “But it just doesn’t feel right anymore.”
Or: “But there’s someone else.”
- Say you want to break up.
For example: “So, I want to break up.”
Or: “So I want us to be friends, but not go out.”
Or: “So I want to stay friendly, but I don’t want to be your BF/GF anymore.”
- Say you’re sorry if this hurts.
For example: “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Or: “I’m sorry if this isn’t the way you wanted things to be.”
Or: “I’m sorry if this hurts you.”
Or: “I know this is hard to hear.”
- Say something kind or positive.
For example: “I know you’ll be OK.”
Or: “I know we’ll always care about each other.”
Or: “I’ll always remember the good times we had.”
Or: “I’ll always be glad I got to know you.”
Or: “I know there’s another girl/guy who will be happy to have a chance to go out with you.”
5. Some DOs while breaking
- Think about what you’ll say and how the other person might react. Will your BF or GF be surprised? Sad? Mad? Hurt? Or even relieved? Thinking about the other person’s point of view and feelings can help you be sensitive. It also helps you prepare. Do you think the person you’re breaking up with might cry? Lose his or her temper? How will you deal with that kind of reaction?
- Be honest — but not brutal. Tell the other person the things that attracted you in the first place, and what you like about him or her. Then say why you want to move on. “Honesty” doesn’t mean “harsh.” Don’t pick apart the other person’s qualities as a way to explain what’s not working. Think of ways to be kind and gentle while still being honest.
- Say it in person. You’ve shared a lot with each other. Respect that (and show your good qualities) by breaking up in person. If you live far away, try to video chat or at least make a phone call. Breaking up through texting or Facebook may seem easy. But think about how you’d feel if your BF or GF did that to you — and what your friends would say about that person’s character!
6. What you shouldn’t do and say
Be careful with your actions.
- Don’t avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have. Dragging things out makes it harder in the long run — for you and your BF or GF. Plus, when people put things off, information can leak out anyway. You never want the person you’re breaking up with to hear it from someone else before hearing it from you.
- Don’t rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through. You may say things you regret.
- Don’t disrespect. Speak about your ex (or soon-to-be ex) with respect. Be careful not to gossip or badmouth him or her. Think about how you’d feel. You’d want your ex to say only positive things about you after you’re no longer together. Plus, you never know — your ex could turn into a friend or you might even rekindle a romance someday.
7. Be ready for “circling”
After you’ve hashed things out, you’re going to need an exit strategy because these conversations tend to go in circles, says Sussman. Here’s how to do it: After you’ve made your point and the other person is just saying the same things over and over again or trying to convince you to change your mind, you can tell them that you’ve said what you need to say and that you need to go.
8. Be tolerant after all
Don’t chat with your friends about him/her. Be polite and friendly. Your ex should understand your support. Promise you’ll help if it’s necessary. Otherwise, if you want to stop all contact but your ex keeps reaching out, just be honest, says Engler. Tell them that it’s not helping either of you to keep talking and that you’re sorry that they still feel bad, but you’re not going to be the one to make them feel better.
9. Take care of yourself, too
The last thing left is to let go of all letters and memorabilia as soon as possible, but in a discreet, honorable way. You need time to feel all the emotions without involving your ex in a blow-by-blow battle. It is time for you to feel it all. Get a therapist or friend to be there for you, and you’ll feel better soon. Hope such will happen to your ex.
The dissolution of any romantic relationship is invariably painful and leaves a lot of emotional collateral damage in its wake; at its best, it’s done with tenderness and care, and both parties put aside a desire to just be done with it in favor of taking the time to separate with patience and love.
Don’t be afraid to look in the mirror for the real lessons to be learned, and to keep an eye on the path ahead. After all, so much of falling in love is in the feeling we get about ourselves in the eyes of the beloved. It seems fitting that falling out of love is also about bravely enduring the feeling we get from looking in the eyes of one we have disappointed, whether they be our ex-lover’s or our own.
If something ends, something else soon starts. So, the best is yet to come!